The OBAMA Center for Hysterical Disease Paranoia has issued a nationwide alert warning Americans of the ravages of human contracted Dutch Elm Disease. According to the OCHDP, the disease thought only to occur in sick trees, is now sweeping the American population in unprecedented numbers. The disease is particularly prevalent in sick kids.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Since the flop of H1N1 or Swine Flu didn't generate the mass hysteria anticipated by the OCHDP, the government organization previously known as the Chicago B Movie Festival, has issued alerts telling people their children have Dutch Elm Disease. The OCHDP will be issuing a vaccine along with preventative measures to all Americans. The vaccine consists of a healthy dose of Miracle-Gro. The preventative measures consist of a 40lb. bag of bone meal and a bucket of methane free manure.
(THIS SENTENCE LEFT INTENTIONALLY BLANK...I MEAN...WHOEVER HEARD OF METHANE FREE MANURE [?']).
The OCHDP urges Americans to panic, form an unruly mob, and run to the nearest EXIT sign.