Sunday, December 6, 2009
The alarming lack of credible science supporting anthropogenic global warming should be of great concern for every living person on the planet. In an attempt to education the masses, both unwashed and anointed, and at the risk of contributing to the global search for 'the Messiah' (Tiger Woods just got bumped from this honor...Obama will step in to fill the vacancy when he accepts the Nobel Peace Prize this week in Oslo, Norway),
the Otero Residents Forum has courageously attempted to further the debate by 1) creating this long sentence and 2) using Münchausen syndrome by proxy, quantum theory of gravity and the string theory, and 'the Theory of Everything', of which we know absolutely nothing about.
It is the belief of the ORF staff of resident scientists that anthropogenic global warming can be viewed as a conceived Münchhausen syndrome for the planet. Advancing this idea, ORF adds our own 'global warming theory of everything', as according to Al Gore, (winner of this year's Alfred E. Newman look-alike contest), anthropogenic global warming is caused by everything, including long sentences (have you every pondered the amount of energy used when one creates long, rambling sentences instead of being concise and to the point?), and the string theory which has something to do with gravity, quantum mechanics (the guy who works on my truck is certified by some mechanic school which implies he knows what he's doing...next time I see him I'll ask him if he's a quantum mechanic...I believe Quantum is a Native American word for birch bark beer sickness...).
The great sin of anthropogenic global warming is the convincing of everyone that everything they do has everything to do with anthropogenic global warming. Thus we have the global warming theory of everything.
That worked out nicely. Of course being the guilt ridden beings that we are we, over a period of time (here's where some of that quantum stuff could apply...time travel and parallel dimensions conceivable could contribute to anthropogenic global warming and while we're talking about guilt; the search for the Messiah applies as we need some god-like figure to expunge our guilt...like Obama accepting the Nobel Peace Prise in Omaha...no...Oslo...Omaha doesn't give out world class prizes...Warren Buffet lives there...sorry, I digress), we as guilt ridden beings are more than willing to place the responsibility of saving the planet and assuming complete ownership of our Münchhausen global warming syndrome, to a Messiah. The Messiah will cure both the planet's ills and our own. Our medicine or spiritual cure are the acts of writing a check to some non-governmental organization who rakes in the bucks saving bugs, major carnivores or sea slim, or going to a rally and yelling and wearing outrageous non-animal product outfits, and assuming the mantle of extreme intelligence when debating anthropogenic global warming with some Neanderthal who didn't get sucked into global Münchhausen syndrome.
With apologies to scientists who actually know about all this stuff, ORF encourages individuals who think they might have been scammed, even just a little bit, to stand up to the advocates of anthropogenic global warming and enlighten them to the fact they suffer from global Münchhausen syndrome, and that they are not to blame for the theory of everything as it relates to anthropogenic global warming and the string theory does not apply here and they should ask the guy who works on their car if he's a quantum mechanic.
 Tools for the classroom:
Search for the following key words in this article:
1. potato soup 2. hat 3. whizzle 4. octopus
Find the definitions for the following words:
1. hat 2. Mako bean 3. stirlett 4. compost
Use the following educational tools when researching this article:
1. Ruler 2. Lunch box 3. Taser 4. H1N1 suppository (use the minty ones)
Things to ask your teacher:
1. What's that smell? 2. Are you male or female? 3. Is that smell coming from you?
4. I fell asleep when you read the article, what was it about? 5. Can I go out and play now?
6. Did you know your car is parked on a cat and it's in a lot of pain?
7. That smell is coming from you! Frickin' animal! Could somebody please open a window?